Have you ever been blindsided by a battle that you really never hoped to fight…again? It’s a tough situation to say the least. I’ll be honest with you (the blogging community) and say that I have been through a battle or two. I have come out of the battles with a broken heart, bruised feet, exhausted muscles and wounds that seem to take forever to heal. I have come out of the battles with all the colors of emotion but at the end of the day, at the end of the battle, I lay down in the presence of God and give myself over to Him once again because through the battles I have learned that healing, peace, rest and some semblance of understanding only come from Him.
Right now my heart is broken. I was asked by God to surrender something very important to me, something that I had hoped would last for the rest of my life and someone that I had grown to care for very much. I have learned a few things so far in the pain and I would love to share them with you because maybe, just maybe, you could be impacted by these thoughts and revelations the way I have been.
- God is big. Even when I cannot feel Him and even when I am so sad His bigness is not lessened, His glory is not tarnished.
- Gods is OK with my emotions. I have had a lot of people telling me how I should be feeling about the recent events in my life and that is fine because I know that all they want to do is help. What I am finding is that I don’t so much want to know how to feel but rather I want to know what to do with how I feel.
- Hope is a far bigger word than I ever imagined and I am shocked about how this four-letter-word is having so much impact on my life.
- Romans 5:3-5 says, “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance ; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.”
- You know, tucked away in that little verse is a very complicated equation and a very bold promise. The equation: suffering>perseverance>character>hope. One leads to the other and we cannot have any true understanding of one without experiencing the previous. And the promise: Hope does not disappoint us. I’m fumbling over these words because I’m convinced that they must be so much more complicated than they appear to be. I’m studying hope right now…hope and how we tend to take hope and turn it into wishful thinking. (I’ll update you as I know more on the subject)
- Finally, I am learning that hope is not so much about the result you want…instead it is about where you put your hope. It’s what you do with the hope that you have. Ultimately I am finding that to put my hope fully and solidly in anything but Jesus could yield me some good results…but not the best results. Not the results that He wants for my life.
Yes, sacrifice was necessary. Yes, it hurts like hell and I wish the feeling of someone punching me in the stomach would go away. But because I am broken, bruised and hurting I have found myself more consistently at the foot of Gods throne. I have found myself longing, begging even, to be wrapped up in the peace that only He can provide for me. I am finding myself in the midst of healing. Pure healing. I am coming into His presence with all of me, uncensored and unhindered only to encounter all of Him which is more than enough.
In Peaceful Desperation,